Hunter House Helps
by sailor aidos
Summary: [chap 4 up] When a mysterious virus appears and inhibits the use of nen, everyone enters the wealthy Zoldyeck and Nostrad households as domestic staff to earn a living! Chaos was expected but romance?
1. No Nen

**_A/N:_** Sorry, but I have not read the Chimera Ant story arc. I just made 'chimera' a virus here instead of those "ants" for the purpose of my story. If you read my other fics, expect that there will **_be_** some OOC-ness and pairings here, the usual and **_my favorite_** plus some new ones, but sadly **_no_** yaoi. You've been warned. +wink+

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own any of HxH; I just enjoy putting the characters in bizarre situations like this one.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**HUNTER HOUSE HELPS**

**Chapter 1: _No Nen_**

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What do you mean we CAN'T use nen?" Killua demanded of his older brother, IIlumi. Gon, who was staying for the weekend at the Zoldyeck mansion, was also stunned as he was at Illumi's announcement.

"I gather you don't believe me," Illumi said matter-of-factly as he negligently combed a hand through his hair. "You can ask father, he was the one who confirmed it."

"You bet I will," Killua answered, matching his brother's tone as he put his hands behind his head. "Imagine a virus fatally attacking anyone who uses _nen_? Hah!"

Illumi fixed upon him a dangerous stare but then shrugged, "Tell that to great-grandfather Maha who's now in our private hospital, little brother. He's in a coma."

"Well, he's ancient," Killua rallied but reddened a little at his brother's stare. He refused to acknowledge that what his brother said might be true. _There's just no way it could be true, because if it was…_

"_Demo_, Illumi-_san_," Gon started to say, "You said that this Ch−…Chi−…"

"Chimera Syndrome"

"…Chimera Syndrome doesn't have a known cure," Gon continued, "Does this mean we can't use nen….._ever_?"

Illumi looked squarely at Gon which Gon unflinchingly returned. Even though he felt hostile at his brother's supposedly best friend, Illumi couldn't help but admire the kid a little. "As my sources have told me, there's no cure…_yet_. So in the meantime, all users of nen are strongly advised not to use this ability, or face dire consequences." He then turned again to Killua, "Now, don't you see the advantage of all those training?"

Killua just snorted and motioned for Gon to follow him. "We're going to see _otousan_ now," he said to Illumi without a backward glance as they walked away.

They walked in silence.

Gon sneaked a peek at his friend, gauging his mood. Killua looked at him, "Well?" he asked.

Gon couldn't meet his eyes as he said, "Your brother is right, Killua. None of us can use nen anymore but you…your family, all of you, still have other abilities because of your assassin training."

Killua halted in his steps as Gon continued.

"I can't even be a hunter anymore, I mean, I can't do anything because that's the only thing I've got. Whereas, you were also trained to be an assassin, you−…"

"Gon, what exactly are you saying?"

Gon lowered his head even more and Killua could see the telltale blush creeping around his friend's neck. He said something softly that Killua couldn't catch, "Ei? I can't hear you. Gon! What did you just say?"

Gon looked up, his face very red but he went on hurriedly, "Don't you see? The Hunter Card is now useless. I don't have a career! I don't have money! I would need to get a…a…another job!"

**XXXXXXXXX**

Kurapika sat composedly, hands in his lap, as he waited expectantly with the other Nostrad bodyguards, Senritsu and Basho. The three of them were the only remaining bodyguards after the incident at York Shin and were now gathered in the Nostrad den at the summons of Mr. Right Nostrad.

"How's your arm, er, Senritsu right?" Mr. Nostrad asked by way of starting the meeting. He was seated at his desk facing the three of them.

Senritsu looked at her covered arms before answering, "It's fine now. I don't think the virus will continue to spread." She then looked up, "Thank you for asking, Nostrad-_sama_."

Mr. Nostrad coughed self-consciously, "Well, yes, erm, have to make sure everyone's alright. These are troubled times." He was really ill at ease, not knowing what to do. First, Neon still hasn't recovered, second, his bodyguards were sadly depleted and third, to make things worse, there was that virus which was fatal to anyone who uses _nen_, whatever that was. And would you know, his bodyguards' abilities were actually dependent on that.

Kurapika was also thinking somewhere along those lines. He looked at Senritsu and as usual, Senritsu heard his movement so she looked up at him and smiled a smile saying that she was really alright. He didn't know what was going on but the news said that the mysterious virus named Chimera Syndrome had spread and only affected nen users. He hadn't heard of it only until Senritsu used her ability one day and her right arm suddenly became numb with pain.

As if reading his mind, Senritsu told him, "I think what stopped the virus from spreading was that my arm and almost all of my body is already deformed and decaying. Who knew that it would prove beneficial to me?" she added to make light of the situation.

Kurapika smiled slightly and nodded. He had forgotten about Senritsu's condition but was still concerned for her nonetheless. He was also concerned for Gon and Killua, those kids managed to get themselves embroiled in affairs that didn't concern them. Take for example that incident with the _Genei Ryodan_.

"_At least_," Kurapika thought, "_They won't be able to harm those kids. We're all on the same boat_." As for Leorio? It was a good thing he decided to be a doctor. He was secure, not like him. He couldn't use his abilities anymore, he won't be able to go after the Genei Ryodan, much less be anyone's bodyguard. _Was this the reason why they were summoned? Was Nostrad firing them?_

"These are troubled times," Mr. Nostrad repeated again. "I just got back from a meeting with the head of our family." Kurapika knew what he meant by "family" was the mafia branch the Nostrad clan was under. "It seems that the keyword for the crisis that's happening now is 'numbers'. We have all agreed that 'safety in numbers' is the way to go."

Kurapika relaxed a little. 'Safety in numbers' could only mean one thing, more people. They wouldn't be fired…but then, it would also mean…

"They have generously lent me the resources to hire more bodyguards," their boss continued. "It is a loan that I have to pay back once things are," he paused, "…back to normal." He had been apprehensive about this, especially with Neon losing her 'sight,' good thing however that because of this virus, he had acquired unexpected wealth.

What Nostrad didn't plan on telling them was that the bodyguards were not really for the protection of the family members but secretly for the auction pieces he had bought. He discovered from the mafia meeting that most of those pieces were imbued with the aura called nen, and since they weren't living organisms, they were safe from the virus. Those particular black market pieces have increased their value a hundredfold!

"I have gathered you here today so you could meet the new bodyguards," Mr. Nostrad then looked at Kurapika, now his head bodyguard. "I expect you to take over these matters."

"Of course," Kurapika said as he stood up. Senritsu and Basho followed his example.

Nostrad nodded, pleased to turn over the responsibility of orienting the new bodyguards. He pushed a button on his desk and said, "Come in!"

The double doors of the den opened and three people walked in. The one in front looked odd. She, Kurapika assumed the person was a she, had long blond hair caught in a ponytail and was wearing a pink dress. What was strange was that, well, _she_ looked like a muscular, well-built man.

The other one was sneering and had on a black, sort of sporty, gym overalls. Senritsu sucked in her breath as she recognized him as one of the Genei Ryodan, Phinx! She quickly looked at Kurapika.

But Kurapika hadn't even noticed Phinx. His eyes were widening in disbelief as he saw the third person who entered the room. "_Great gods of Kuruta!_" Kurapika almost said out aloud in shock, "_Kuroro!_"

**XXXXXXXXX**

"Ah, it's good you came here," Silver Zoldyeck told his son as Killua and Gon entered the cavernous family room. "I have also sent someone to call Illumi."

"What is it father?" Killua asked in confusion. He and Gon had purposely sought out his father to confirm the news about the virus but it seemed that there was going to be a family meeting. Milluki, Kalluto and even never-before-made-an-appearance Alluka were already gathered there at one side of the room.

Gon nudged him, "Look!" he pointed to three other persons on the other side of the room. Killua wondered what the big deal was about, they were only servants but Gon asked, "Don't they look familiar to you?"

Killua did look and saw two maids, who didn't look at all that reliable, and one footman who was clearly lacking in height. "Well of course they look familiar," Killua told Gon patiently, "I know all of our family's staff, they're….." Killua's voice trailed off as he looked at the three "servants" in disbelief and recognition set in. "Wha−…."

"You called for me father?" Illumi asked as he entered the room. He frowned as he surveyed Gon and his brothers who were all present in the room. "I was just….." He froze as he too noticed the other occupants in the room.

"Sons…and guest," Silver nodded to Gon, "I wish to make known to you the new members of our staff."

Gon could hear Killua making choking noises at his side. Illumi was frowning, only slightly of course, while Kalluto was smiling mysteriously.

"You both look shocked," Silver told Killua and Illumi then he consulted the papers he had in his hand. Gon could swear that he saw Killua's father hiding a smile. Silver continued, "I'm surprised that you are, considering that they wrote the two of you as their references in their application forms."

"App−…Applic−…What?" Killua was spluttering.

"References?" Illumi asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes, that's why I hired them. After all they know _both_ my eldest son and my heir," Silver waved a negligent hand to the three uniformed persons in the room, "So meet Machi, our new upstairs maid, Shizuku, our new downstairs maid, and Feitan, the new footman."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**_A/N2:_** Next chapter: Answer to why the _GR_ took body guarding and domestic science. Hisoka (of course!) also enters the picture. And umm…review?


	2. No Money

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own any of HxH; I just enjoy putting the characters in bizarre situations like this one.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**HUNTER HOUSE HELPS**

**Chapter 2: _No Money_**

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Exactly one week ago…

"Any luck?" Nobunaga asked Shalnark who had just entered the gang's hideout. The others looked expectantly at him.

Shalnark sadly shook his head. "I couldn't hack the bank's mainframe," he held up a card, "My Hunter Card is also officially worthless."

"So we don't have money?" Phinx demanded incredulously, veins visibly throbbing at his temples.

Shalnark just nodded. The Mafia finally had their revenge. They had called off their search for the Genei Ryodan before when they stole the black market auction pieces because the Mafia found out that the Spiders came from Ryusegai City.

But they didn't forgive the group for the bloody massacre right after that. It seemed they had just bided their time to get more than even and now that time has come. It was the virus which proved to be instrumental for them.

"They have frozen all our bank accounts because they know we're now powerless to do anything about it," Shalnark said not for the first time since the Chimera Syndrome appeared. His chin was cupped in one hand as he thought things through aloud, "We don't have access to our money, we can't pawn what we have, and we can't apply for a regular day job in the city."

"What now? We go back to the streets?" Nobunaga asked, getting angry, "We're not petty thieves!"

"Of course not," Machi said calmly, dampening Nobunaga's starting hysterics. It would simply not do considering that they had been all on tenterhooks since the virus appeared. She crossed her arms and now faced the group, "We obviously need to find a way to get money by not our usual way."

"I won't be working at Midnight Express!" Phinx suddenly announced.

They all turned to look at him. Machi asked the obvious, "What's _Midnight Express_?"

Phinx felt himself going red as he stammered out, "It's, er, this night club where, umm, there's this, erm, male dancers…"

"…." from Feitan while Nobunaga guffawed, "And you think they'll hire _you_?"

"And why not?" Phinx hotly demanded then puffed out his chest, "I'm a shoo-in physically but I can't, erm, that is, I don't want to dance!" He then pointed at Machi, "You know you could work at their sister club, the Honky Pot."

"Thank you for your _useful _suggestion," Machi said coldly, with a hint of irony in her voice, "But I'm not sure being a….._dancer_ will solve our problems."

"How about being a maid?"

They all turned to look at the owner of the voice, some of them already recognizing whose it was but couldn't quite believe it. "_Dancho_!"

The Spiders weren't generally demonstrative people but they had all quickly gathered around Kuroro. Franklin had one hand on his shoulder, Nobunaga was clasping one of his hands while Machi even smiled.

"You−… You're here!" Nobunaga couldn't believe it, echoing the sentiments of the others.

"_Dancho_, the chain…?" Machi asked hesitantly, referring to the judgment sword Kurapika had placed upon Kuroro's heart and the conditions he must follow.

"It's the virus," Kuroro explained to them and he was smiling, a very satisfied smile upon his lips. "It would seem that all objects created by the materialization ability have ceased to exist."

"But the nen objects we have," Shalnark said, "They're still here in the safe."

Kuroro shook his head, "They were _imbued_ with nen but _not created_ by it." He walked further into the room and sat once again at his usual stone seat. The others stood at their usual places; it was like old times again except that they weren't complete anymore. "I _had_ been wondering whether the chain guy's sword of judgment would still be in me ever since the Chimera Syndrome was discovered. And yesterday, I had confirmed it."

"How?" Phinx asked.

"The Greed Island game console I have in my possession was still working but the cloth I materialized from my book before I was prohibited to use nen had vanished. Ergo, I had concluded that all materialized nen objects would also disappear," Kuroro laid a hand on his chest obviously referring to the nen chain Kurapika placed on him. "It seems I was right."

"But still, you coming here to us to confirm your theory was still a big risk, _Dancho_," Shalnark said.

"The risk was worth it especially since I've also concocted a plan that will solve our money and nen problems," he smiled enigmatically, "Listen, this is what we will do."

**XXXXXXXXX**

"_Well that went according to plan!_," Phinx thought a little sarcastically. _Dancho_ had him and Nobunaga apply with him as bodyguards to the Nostrad family a week ago. Their part of the plan was simple, that is, to steal the auction pieces the Nostrads had in their possession…..and to be near the chain guy while he was powerless. A little accident here and there wouldn't go amiss, _Dancho_ had told them.

It was quite a fun plan until things started to go wrong. First, Nobunaga had been rejected in favor of the muscular female in the pink dress. "_Well, physically, Nobunaga didn't stand a chance_," Phinx thought smugly. Then he looked at the "female" beside him. She, he found out, was going to be partnered with him! Phinx couldn't believe it, he couldn't believe either that _she_ was named Biscuit!

Then he looked at Kuroro who was preparing to leave with Kurapika and Nostrad's daughter, Neon. "_At least I wouldn't be stuck shopping with that brat!_" he thought, pitying Kuroro a little.

They found out that Kurapika was the head bodyguard and therefore, the one who handed out orders and the assignments. Phinx and Biscuit were to be partners and be house guards while Kurapika took Kuroro as his partner and would be guarding Neon, or for that matter, be Neon's shopping buddies. The other two, Senritsu and Basho would be Right Nostrad's bodyguards.

If anyone was happy at all with the arrangements, it was Neon. They had boarded the car to go to the mall and she tried hard not to look at either of the two men sitting beside her in the backseat.

She was so lucky! Two cute guys as her bodyguards? She had been surprised to recognize Kuroro as the charming, handsome, young man she met at the York Shin auctions. She had been thinking a little of him after that, but then…

Neon stole a peek at Kurapika then immediately lowered her head to hide her blush. Kurapika had been always around her. Well, he is their head bodyguard after all, he was paid to do it! "_But he's always patient with me, asking me how I'm feeling and putting up with my tantrums_," Neon twiddled her thumbs, thinking, "_He's always there, not like father and he's…_" she blushed a bit more, "_…quite good-looking too._"

Kurapika had keen eyesight and he could see Neon blushing. He sighed. He knew about her "crush," actually how could he not especially when Basho and Neon's two maids were always teasing him or dropping hints about it. "_This would be quite bothersome_," he mused as he looked sideways at the other bodyguard, "_Especially when I have a bigger problem on my hands_."

Kuroro felt Kurapika's gaze and smiled wryly to himself. He was not wholly pleased with the way his plan went. He hadn't counted on Nobunaga being bested by Biscuit, on Kurapika being head bodyguard, and on shopping everyday with Neon! Like Kurapika, he also had keen eyes and was able to deduce at once that the pretty airhead had a major thing for Kurapika.

He was a little miffed about that. He had been expecting Neon to recognize him. Well, she did but that was all. It seemed that their time in York Shin hadn't affected her that much while Kuroro had believed that he had been successful in attracting her, after all, he charmed her and managed to steal her powers. But now it seemed Neon actually preferred Kurapika over him. _Not that he was jealous, of course not!_

Kuroro put two fingers to his temple to think. He surreptitiously glanced from Neon to Kurapika then back again. "_A sword of judgment upon my heart_," Kuroro mused thinking about how to pay back Kurapika that equaled what he did to him.

"Are you alright, boss?" Kurapika asked Neon who was clenching her hands, hard. Neon looked up at Kurapika and shook her head.

Kuroro hadn't seen the expression on Neon's face but he could see Kurapika slowly reddening…..and that probably made him jump to an erroneous conclusion. "_Of course, what better way than to steal his heart? And I…_," Kuroro thought as he glanced at Neon, "_… am a thief._"

He had no idea that he had made a mistake in more ways than one.

**XXXXXXXXX**

"Is this the way to treat your guests?" Hisoka asked mockingly as Illumi curtly told him to go quickly upstairs before his father saw him.

"You're not a guest, a pest maybe," Illumi said coldly. "I know why you're here and it's not because of your lame excuse of collecting your payment personally." They were now mounting the grand staircase of the Zoldyeck mansion.

"It's true! With that virus spreading around, they had closed the Celestial Tower. It seems no one was going to pay to watch normal fighters fighting with normal skills. I know I wouldn't," Hisoka grinned. They were now walking the corridors that would lead them to Illumi's room.

"So you see, I don't have my room there anymore so I need the money," Hisoka halted and put out a hand, palm upwards. "Pay up."

Illumi looked at that hand with an unreadable expression on his face. It was embarrassing to have to call on Hisoka to take care of some of his jobs but ever since the virus, it seemed that more people wanted to have someone killed or something stolen. The Zoldyecks now had a lot of work before them than ever before. It didn't help matters that Killua wasn't willing to join them, a decision supported by his father which greatly irritated Illumi.

The assassination jobs he took but the theft jobs were too beneath him and he had no time for it so he gave them to Hisoka instead. He was careful though of not letting his father know lest he be called "unprofessional." So here they were, sneaking to his room where he would give Hisoka his pay share, but then he remembered something.

"You have a large bank account," Illumi pointed out to Hisoka.

Hisoka shrugged, "Most of it was frozen by the Mafia. They still think I'm part of the Spider group."

Illumi looked at him with narrowed eyes, "So you traveled all the way here to Kukuru Mt., when I expressly told you not to because of my father, just so you could collect your money?" Hisoka nodded. "And not because you heard that Killua has a certain little guest staying with us?"

"Oh, is Gon staying here?" Hisoka feigned innocence.

"Nice try, Hisoka," Illumi shook his head at his friend's transparency. "Yes, that brat's still here."

Hisoka's eyes glinted a little dangerously, "He's quite alright, isn't he?"

Illumi looked squarely at him, "I didn't try any tricks on him, you've already warned me off him once."

Hisoka smiled as they walked on.

"But stay away from Killua," Illumi warned as they arrived at his door. He opened his bedroom door soundlessly and gave Hisoka a mocking bow, "After you."

Hisoka walked in……and ran smack right into Machi.

Machi didn't spare him a glance but instead addressed Illumi, "I've finished changing the bed sheets." Illumi nodded and Machi walked away.

After a minute of stunned silence.

"That was Machi….in your room," Hisoka told Illumi.

"My, what clear eyesight you have," Illumi said dryly. If he didn't know his friend better, he could swear that Hisoka's tone was slightly accusing.

Hisoka now patted his hair, "What's she doing here?" he asked casually.

"Didn't you see her uniform? She's now the upstairs maid." For once, Illumi saw Hisoka look incredulous. "It's true. It seems the Genei Ryodan have taken to domestic life to earn money because of the virus whereas _you_ still haven't changed from your thieving ways."

Illumi really had suspicions about the group's ulterior motives about seeking employment in their home but kept it to himself in the meantime. He wanted to tease Hisoka a little for now, "Jealous, Hisoka?"

"Of you or of her?" Hisoka returned easily with a smile. They walked into the room and Hisoka took a seat at one of Illumi's elegant chairs. "So how long has she… and I suppose there are others?"

Illumi nodded as he went to his safe, "Shizuku and Feitan."

"So how long have they already been working here?"

"Just started four days ago," Illumi replied conversationally as he counted out the money he was going to pay Hisoka.

"And your father hired them?" Hisoka asked as he took the money that Illumi handed him.

Illumi shrugged, he also had some suspicions about that, but he just said, "Yes, he made a big deal of them writing Killua and I as their references."

If Hisoka saw through this flimsy reason, he didn't say anything, he merely stood up and said again casually, "I might not be available for your other jobs as I'm going to make….. some other arrangements. But don't worry you'll see me again…._soon_."

Illumi didn't like the sound of that. Hisoka was definitely up to something.

"In the meantime," Hisoka continued as he made his way to the door, "Stay away from−…Gon." With that, he closed the door behind him.

Illumi wasn't sure but he thought that Hisoka had planned to say another name.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**_A/N:_** Next chapter: Machi has absolutely no idea how to work household appliances but surprise, surprise, Illumi helps her out. Shizuku and Feitan, on the other hand, have no idea what I plan to do with them har, har!

So, four pairings have now been revealed with two of them, major love triangles no less. Erm, any objections about the pairings? I hope not. +wink+


	3. No Idea

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own any of HxH; I just enjoy putting the characters in bizarre situations like this one.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**HUNTER HOUSE HELPS**

**Chapter 3: _No Idea_**

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"_This wasn't part of the plan!_" Machi thought ferociously as she heaved a huge load of dirty clothes down the backstairs. "_If it wasn't for you and the good of the group, I wouldn't be doing this Dancho!_" she said silently to herself as she made her way to the laundry room.

It had been three days now since Kuroro divided them into teams for his plan. She, along with Shizuku and Feitan, were told by Kuroro to enter the Zoldyeck family as household staff. Machi had never done household work and would have gladly applied as a seamstress but Kuroro advised otherwise.

They needed to be close to the family and their sources, he said. The Zoldyecks had access to information about the virus and its cure. Milluki, the most tech-savvy and who had access to information around the world, was their target.

"_Dancho had made a mistake about that_," Machi thought bitterly as she now faced the jumbo washing machine. "_Milluki almost never goes out of his room and he doesn't want anybody in it too_."

_MODE?_ The little black screen of the machine lit up this word when she pressed it on. Machi frowned, she didn't know what to do. She had planned to just stuff all the clothes inside and let the machine do what it was supposed to do. She pressed another button with a sort of water icon on it.

_WASH?_ Machi smiled as she gingerly picked the dark-colored clothes from the pile she had dumped on the floor. There was a lot of it, it seemed the Zoldyecks were fond of dark clothes. They were assassins after all, Machi reasoned, and thank god she wasn't expected to wash their underwear. Knowing what the Zoldyeck brothers had under their day clothes _was way……_

She hastily stuffed all the clothes in and closed the machine door. The bin was almost full to the brim. Then she pressed the same icon again.

Nothing happened. Machi pressed it again. _WASH PROGRAM?_ it said. _"Huh? There's a program?" _Machi looked at the other icons and saw something like a swirl shape. She pressed it. _SET CODE._

_"What is this thing?" _Machi knew she won't get anywhere so she went in the hall to search for Shizuku. She found her in the library doing…..what else but vacuuming.

Machi watched with just a little envy the way Shizuku expertly wielded the vacuum cleaner. It didn't matter that none of the rooms of the mansion had any carpet, just stone floors. Shizuku was a whiz at cleaning with a vacuum cleaner so who were the Zoldyecks to argue with their cleaning maid?

"Shizuku," she called out. The younger girl looked up, saw her and turned the vacuum off. "I need your help. Erm, do you know how to work the washing machine?"

Shizuku put a finger to her cheek, thinking. "It's the thing where you wash clothes, right? I've operated one of those before."

They both went out in the hall and were walking towards the laundry room when they were intercepted by Illumi.

"Where are the two of you going?" Illumi asked suspiciously. He had been on his guard in ensuring that their Spider staff weren't planning anything. He knew that Killua was also monitoring them.

"I have a…._minor_ problem with the washing machine," Machi knew she couldn't admit that she didn't know how to operate it. "I asked Shizuku to help me."

"That won't be necessary. I'll see to it," Illumi said and told Shizuku, "You can go back to what you were doing." There was no way he was going to let the two of them plan something. "_They're probably sneaking off somewhere to have a consultation with Feitan_," he thought.

Illumi knew he was wrong the moment he saw the cramped clothes inside the washing bin. He was chagrined, and it was maybe because of this that he asked a little more kindly but with his usual penetrating stare, "Machi, do you know how to operate this?"

Machi let out a sigh, there was no getting out of this, "No."

Illumi thought for a moment. "And you were really asking Shizuku for help so you can wash these clothes," he said under his breath. Well, he admired perseverance and people who do their jobs so he made a decision. "Ok here, I'll tell you what to do," he said as he started to demonstrate how to operate the machine.

Machi was surprised as she watched and listened to Illumi's demonstration. She didn't know much about Illumi, only that he was an assassin hired by Dancho to kill the ten Godfathers of the Mafia. And also, that he had impersonated Hisoka once so that Hisoka could go after Dancho. She didn't like him for that but she admired him for his skills.

"_And he isn't anything at all like his friend_," Machi thought wonderingly.

"So you see, it isn't really that complicated," Illumi finished as the washing machine whirred softly. He had never had to do any domestic work in his life but he learned all about household appliances as they were mechanical contraptions. And using contraptions was a creative way of doing away with a target, if a client asked for it.

Machi bowed, "_Arigatou_, Illumi-_sama_," she was a killer but she had manners. Illumi had helped her and she was also playing the part of a servant.

"Call me Illumi," he answered as he surveyed the room. There were a number of clothes piles already washed by the other maids. He knew that Machi would also have to iron them. There was no help for it, he thought. He would also have to teach her that or risk getting his clothes burned. Besides that, he needed to keep a close eye on one of them. "_I'll tell Killua and his friend to take care of the other two_."

**XXXXXXXXX**

The next afternoon…

Shizuku was finished cleaning the parlor. It was the last room she had to clean so she made her way to the servants' hall. They had been briefed to do this. "_Go back to the servants' hall after every duty and await further orders there," the butler had told them when they first started. _

Shizuku was glad that she at least remembered this. She was actually thinking how kind Kuroro was in giving out this particular assignment to them. It was no big deal after all. All she had to do as maid was clean the downstairs rooms with a vacuum. At least, she didn't get to miss her _deme-chan_.

She was walking along the corridors when she met up with Feitan who just came from his shift at the front door. Feitan asked her, "Finished?"

"Uh-huh"

He fell in step beside her. She said, "Servants' hall."

"Un…"

This four-lined conversation happens between them thrice everyday for the past days. They both had the same work shift. Feitan was glad that Shizuku didn't talk much, for a girl. Shizuku was glad that Feitan didn't talk, at all, except for some things here and there.

Feitan was actually bored. He was at the beck and call of mistress of the house, Kikyo. "Fetch this, Feitan…Fetch that, Feitan," she always said. Feitan was itching to silence her but in his condition, that wasn't a wise move. Kikyo was a Zoldyeck assassin and had skills that didn't rely on nen. Actually, what really bothered him was…._there were no daughters of the house_. The Zoldyecks had five sons, no daughters. Where was the fun in working in a house like this with no pretty girls?

"Feitaaaaan," Feitan knew that voice. It was Kikyo and she was gliding towards them. "I need you to change these strawberries my stupid maid got for me." Kikyo told him as she thrust a small basket of the fruit in his hands. "They're sour!"

Feitan's expression said, _huh_?

"Don't just look at me like that!" Kikyo snapped her fan shut impatiently, "Go at once to the storage room and pick me another basketful. Actually, two baskets of it," she amended as she pointed to Shuzuku with her fan. "You! Go with him and make sure you get the right ones!" She stomped off with her skirts swirling around her.

Feitan counted to eight, and at nine, he had crushed the basket of strawberries with his hands. Ten! He felt better. Shizuku looked at him and said, "Storage room." They went.

The storage room actually meant the three "refrigerator rooms" in the mansion. One was the 'cool room' for keeping food fresh, one was the 'freeze room' for frozen meat and foods, and the last one was the 'chill room' where food like fruits needed to be kept at low temperatures where kept. This was where Feitan and Shizuku found themselves in.

"Strawberries," Feitan growled as they walked inside.

"Should be sweet," Shizuku murmured as she went to the shelf of fruits on the far side of the room. Feitan reluctantly followed her.

_CLICK!_ Shizuku and Feitan looked at each other and walked swiftly to the heavy steel door of the chill room. They didn't need to fumble the lever before they knew what happened. _They were locked in! _

**XXXXXXXXX**

Machi sighed in relief. She was finished! Good thing Illumi also taught her this or she would have taken forever to finish. She surveyed the bed one more time before crossing the room. She was already near the door when it opened silently...and promptly collided with Hisoka.

She ignored him. "I've finished changing the bed sheets," she told Illumi. She was surprised that Hisoka was here and was also suspicious that the two of them were going inside Illumi's room.

Illumi nodded to her and she walked away. She would have greatly wanted to loiter around to know what they were up to so she walked ever so slowly. She kept her pace but they still weren't saying anything and she was already near the end of the corridor and the stairs! As Machi stepped down on the first step, she heard Hisoka say, "That was Machi…in your room."

She didn't hear what Illumi said. The two had already entered Illumi's bedroom. "_Are they up to something?_" Machi mused then shrugged, "_They're friends. I shouldn't be surprised._"

Wrong. She was in for a surprise because after two days…

"Just toast for me," Machi said to the cook as she stepped into the servant's kitchen for breakfast.

"Tsk! Tsk! That's not healthy. Would you like to try my eggs benedict?"

It was early morning and Machi was _not _a morning person. She put a hand to her throbbing temples. _This can't be happening!_ She looked up and knew it was.

"What are you doing _here_?"

"Can't you see from my outfit," Hisoka replied with a grin, pointing to his hat and his apron, "I'm the new pastry chef."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**_A/N:_** There was a sort of time warp/overlap here. Except for the last part, everything happened here _before_ Hisoka visited Illumi. Next chapter: Can Hisoka really cook and would anyone eat it? Is Kuroro having success? Do I know where I'm going with the story? Gosh, I hope so. +wide grin+


	4. No Tricks

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own any of HxH; I just enjoy putting the characters in bizarre situations like this one.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**HUNTER HOUSE HELPS**

**Chapter 4: _No Tricks_**

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lunch time…

Gon stole a quick look at Killua's mother before getting himself a second helping of potatoes. He had been at the Zoaldyeck mansion for some days now and though nobody seemed to resent his presence, Kikyuo still glared at him with her one eye from time to time. He was reaching for the salt which was a little farther down the table when it was suddenly handed to him.

"Here."

"Ah, ari-… arigatou," Gon murmured uneasily as he took the salt shaker from Karuto's hand. Karuto just smiled at him enigmatically and continued to contemplate him. Gon gulped.

"Wo-ho! Dessert!" Killua cried out enthusiastically as the maid brought in the dessert tray. "Chocolate cream tarts! My favorite! Hey, Gon! Are you finished?"

"I still have these potatoes…"

"Never mind that. Here, have some tarts." Killua put some on Gon's plate. "Mmmmm! Mmmmm! This looks so good!"

"I'm surprised you find it so," Illumi said with something like amused mischief in his eyes. "As for me, I'll pass."

"Well, you've never liked sweets," Killua retorted although he was a little surprised that his stoic-faced brother actually seemed to be laughing about something. "Gah! This looks really delicious!" He was now piling his plate with the tarts.

Illumi nodded approvingly then said, "Why don't we congratulate the one who made it. He's new on the staff." He nodded to one of the servants who bowed and went out.

Illumi didn't know what the world was coming to with the strangest people seeking employment at their home including _him_. He had been suspicious as to why that person was here but at least, he didn't have any _nen _to use for his tricks. He supposed it was mean to let Killua eat those tarts but anyway, if it was poisoned, Killua would know what to do. _As for his friend…_ Illumi smiled as he saw Gon nibble on the pastry.

"You called for me?" A familiar sing-song voice said.

Killua and Gon nearly choked, the others just looked matter-of-fact. "Hi-…Hi-…," Killua choked out then tried again, "His-…Hisoka, what the heck are you…" his voice trailed off as he saw Hisoka's chef's outfit, then he looked at the tart in his hand, then back again at the clown. Slowly, realization dawned on him.

"Oh! Did you like my tarts?" Hisoka said happily as he espied these items on their plate.

"Whaaaaat!" Killua cried, turning green as he realized he had just bitten on one, then he glanced at Gon. "Gon! What are you doing!"

Gon continued to munch on the tarts in a thoughtful manner, "Hmm, I didn't know you can cook Hisoka. But these are really delicious."

"Have you taken leave of your senses! Spit it out! Spit it out!" Killua frantically said as he pounded Gon on the back. "How can you even… Hey, it's really delicious." He said as the taste of the pastry in his mouth started to register on his brain.

"There are strawberry cream tarts," Kikyuo observed in a guarded voice. "Where did you get the strawberries?"

"Why, in the chiller room of course, ma'am. There are a lot of them," Hisoka said innocently. "I was also surprised to see, erm, two of the servants there."

The others at the table looked questioningly at Hisoka except for Karuto, and Kikyuo who was wringing a table napkin in her hands. "Oh, those poor dears, Feitan and Shizuku," she said in an affected voice. "What a shock it must have been for you to see them. Don't worry," she said to her family, "We'll arrange the funeral."

"Mother, what are you talking about?" Illumi asked.

"Those two have been frozen to death after I locked them-… er, I mean, I assume they were locked in the chiller room… for days!" Kikyuo said this in a sad tone but the others could see that she looked more thrilled than anything else. Killua looked at his mother suspiciously.

"Begging your pardon ma'am," Hisoka said in his most urbane manner, "But they were perfectly fine when I saw them."

"And how did you know they were there anyway?" Killua demanded.

"Well, I just-… I assumed… Good heavens! The time!" Kikyuo stood up abruptly, "I have a Killer-Kings-and-Women-Who-Love-Them meeting to attend to!" With that, she hastily departed the dining room.

Three pairs of eyes followed her retreating form, very puzzled. Hisoka was looking at the youngest Zoaldyeck. Karuto was smiling like the cat that swallowed the cream, or rather the cream tart. "_Ahh_," Hisoka murmured amusedly.

**XXXXXXXXX**

Meanwhile, at a large shopping mall…

Kuroro sighed as he and his pink-haired companion entered another, _yet another_, clothes boutique. This was really demeaning for the once leader of the feared Genei Ryodan, he thought wryly as Neon dragged him inside. He supposed it was his fault that he decided to gain an upper-hand on Kurapika by making sure Neon transferred her interest on him. So here he was, always by her side, shopping.

"_The strange thing is_," Kuroro thought as Neon pushed him with her shopping bags down on a plush, leather couch and went to the changing room, "_Kurapika doesn't seem to be jealous at all. And,_" he added silently fuming, "_She doesn't notice me beyond a sounding board!_"

He was tired, irritated and hungry. For the first time, he had bitten Phinx's head off this morning when Phinx complained that he was stuck partnering a female gorilla, and he had nastily told Machi to stop with the nun act already and go out with Hisoka when she called to complain about Hisoka asking her out again. Actually, Machi really called because she was worried about Shizuku and Feitan who disappeared for a few days and re-appeared, _well…_ Kuroro shuddered and put a hand to his forehead, "_I can't bear to think about it."_

Phinx had muttered that Kuroro got the best part of the job. Kuroro wasn't sure about that. Oh sure, he was partnered with pretty boy Kurapika but who was always watching his every move to see if he was up to some trick. "_Silly boy_," Kuroro thought blackly, "_How can I without my nen?_" Then there's the ditzy Nostrad daughter who…

"So what do you think?"

Kuroro glanced up, his musings forgotten as Neon gaily twirled around for his benefit. She had tried on a frilly, white dress. "Excuse me, but are you going to your first communion?" Kuroro regretted the words as soon as they came out but he couldn't help himself. He was really irritated and had forgotten about his plan to be charming always. Kurapika had left them alone to shop; it could mean that he didn't see Kuroro as a threat anymore and Neon…

"Well, how about this?" Neon demanded as she came out again of the dressing room. For all her faults, she was a speedy dresser. She was now wearing a light pink wrap-around dress.

Kuroro grew more irritated. "I suppose it's OK. Are we going to the beach or something?"

"What's with you today?" Neon asked confused as she went back to change.

Kuroro calmed himself. He had never lost his cool before! "_Be charming, be charming…_" he told himself over and over again. It actually didn't help matters that she did look pretty in anything she tried on. He knew Neon brought him because she needed his advice on what to wear _for Kurapika_. He wasn't irritated about that. _No, no, of course not! Why would he be anyway! _

"So?" Neon asked again expectantly as she came out wearing a pale violet coordinate.

"_Be charming, be charming_," Kuroro reminded himself. He looked at Neon, opened his mouth, then merely nodded. _Ok, that went according to plan_.

"Are you sure? I mean it doesn't look too dressy or anything?" Neon asked as she preened before a mirror.

Kuroro could now speak again. "Trust me, I know about these matters." To illustrate his point, he casually flicked an imaginary speck on his obviously dressy fur-lined coat. To himself, he said, "_No one could question my tastes after all_."

"Really? I just want to make sure you know," Neon bit her lip. "I mean guys usually have different views on clothes and Kurapika might…" her voice trailed off.

Kuroro stared at her and thought wildly. "_Great, now it's my masculinity in question? __Over Kurapika? You've got to be kidding!"_

Neon hastily assured him. "I- I mean… that is-…you and Kurapika are different… you like fur while most guys don't… but- but that doesn't mean you're gay or anything… not… not that I mind if you are… you also cried once so I thought… Ooh! I'll just pay for this and let's shop some more!" Neon abruptly ended her tangled speech, blushing all the while.

_"She frigging thinks I'm gay!"_ Kuroro had never been more shocked in his life and his coolness was all forgotten. _"That does it! Change tactics! No more Mr. Nice, Charming Guy!"_ He looked down regretfully at his coat but resolutely pulled it off… to the delight of the other female shoppers.

**XXXXXXXXX**

_CLANG! TWANG!_

Illumi looked up from what he was doing and mildly addressed Hisoka, who was at the kitchen sink, "Those are copper pots you know."

"Huh? Copper you say? Yeah. Sorry." _CRASH!_ Hisoka continued with his noisy dishwashing.

Illumi raised one eyebrow then shook his head. He'll deal with Hisoka later. In the meantime… "So you see, it's not really hard at all."

"Uh-huh. I see what you mean," Machi nodded as she watched Illumi maneuver the floor polisher.

They were on the other side of the dirty kitchen where Illumi had purposefully spilled some colored liquid so he could show Machi how to use the polisher. It was a continuation of Illumi's lessons about household appliances. They still weren't that totally at ease with each other but the lessons went well.

That is, until now.

Machi now took the handle but was still a little awkward. "Here, you put your hand this way." Illumi closed one hand over her own to guide her.

_WHOOSH!_ Illumi calmly sidestepped. _CRASH! _He and Machi looked at the wall and then at the broken pieces of the expensive porcelain plate on the floor.

"Hisoka, did you just throw that plate at me?" Illumi asked in a pleasantly dangerous voice.

"Why, Illumi, _my bestest friend_. Why would I do that?" Hisoka replied in an innocently dangerous voice.

"You tell me," Illumi invited in a calm but dangerous voice.

"It just slipped my hand," Hisoka explained in an artlessly dangerous voice.

_"Oh please!"_ Machi thought as she rolled her eyes, _"Stop with those dangerous voices already!" _She turned to Illumi and said, "_Arigatou_! I think we can stop the lesson for now. I know you're busy and I still have some errands."

Illumi looked at her and from the corner of his eye, he saw Hisoka vigorously drying the dishes, an uncharacteristic scowl on his face. _"Could it be…,"_ Illumi thought and smiled inwardly. _"I don't believe it. He's never been jealous or even possessive about anybody. Well, that is, once with Gon but then…"_

Machi was now unplugging the floor polisher and arranging it for storage. Illumi watched her thoughtfully. Hisoka was also watching her, looking much annoyed.

Illumi pondered on it. "_She's pretty and she's female_." It was no wonder his lecherous friend was interested, but that didn't mean to say… He looked surreptitiously at Hisoka from under hooded lids. "_She's also calm, collected and oh so cold. Trust Hisoka to chase after the unattainable_." He slowly grinned wickedly and obeyed the mischievous imp in his brain.

Machi was greatly surprised although she didn't show it when Illumi suddenly lifted her chin with a gentle hand. Illumi stared straight into her eyes, "Why don't we continue this tonight? You know, the usual." And for good measure, he caressingly flicked a lock of hair from her forehead.

_CRASH!_ _BANG!_ went the pots and pans.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**_A/N:_** Gosh, it's really hard to not update a story for so long. I still remember the plot but I'm not sure if the tone is still the same. Hehehe, well for the next chapter, Kuroro sheds off his coat and mild-mannered personality; and find out exactly what happened to Feitan and Shizuku in the chiller room.

Bdw, haven't visited FFN for some time but was so happy to see new HxH stories! Yey! Let's keep the community growing. So Togashi-sama, please get well soon!


End file.
